Envy’s Message

My muse, the NY Times, piqued my interest with an article: The Upside of Envy, written by Gordon Marino (May 6, 2018), a professor of philosophy at St. Olaf College. Dr. Marino highlights how our envious feelings may provoke an internal response of judgmental criticalness towards those we envy. He describes his negative attitude toward “fanatic” elder exercisers– who are dedicated to their sport and amazingly fit for their age – and disparages them as “clear cases of modern-day self-care gone wild”.  His honest look at his own reactions (which he encourages) illuminates this mechanism: underneath his grousing he confesses to envious feelings toward these “supercyclists”, because he can no longer strive for athletic prowess which he always enjoyed immensely, due to his accumulated injuries.

We may habitually, though often unconsciously, devalue our targets of envy; if we deflate them then they are less enviable – a defensive strategy that attempts to relieve our painful feeling of inadequacy. To compensate further, we may become compulsively ambitious and competitive and determined to win, or malicious, spiteful and negative, about another’s perceived advantages. As these reactions become ingrained, it behooves us to self-examine, so we unmask and alter what drives our envy.

Dr. Marino quotes Aristotle: “…envy is not a benign desire for what someone else possesses but ‘as the pain caused by the good fortune of others’.” If we face this less-than-virtuous propensity within, we can attempt to turn it on its head and mindfully practice cultivating happiness for other’s successes and good fortune. We can realize a shift in attitude and notice an immediate reward; we feel better inside.

Also we have changed our psychic placement, returning to our self rather than inhabiting voyeuristically another person’s reality. We are back living in our own skin (Aesthetic Pittsburgh).

Many of us habitually and automatically compare ourselves with others. Sometimes this process is so subtle we barely recognize we have set up painful feelings of envy – a glance at someone’s appearance, an assessment of their economic status, a competitive onceover, and we become overwhelmed by the green-eyed monster.

We create a steady trickle to a stronger flow of inner dialogue of comparison as we assess others and then look back at ourselves with a critical eye: we are not measuring up, we don’t look as good, we haven’t amassed enough money, kept up with enough people, done enough good deeds. He got more admiration from his colleagues, she got more accolades – as if a parent was bestowing acknowledgements to your siblings and you didn’t get one.

Social media invites our envy with appealing Instagram and Facebook pictures of people frolicking in the sun, happy lover selfies, photos of eating at the latest hotspot – beautiful views, international travel and pics of another’s multitude of friends.  Can we glance at these and experience an inner ease; or do we feel envious, judging our activities as barren and our life conditions as subpar? Do we continue to scroll compulsively until we feel anxious or depressed, losing our self in another’s life? Do we traffic in superficial values, demeaning our life’s purpose with superficial materialistic concerns?

Envy is a call to examine our values. If we respect and admire a person we read about who has accomplished something of value or is diligently working to help others, rather than feel envious about what they have created in their lives — capture your own envy and transform it into fuel for thought and action.

Come back to your self and notice that you are interested and that you value creativity, industriousness, tenacity and generosity. Does it mean you must replicate a similar success? No, it means you can honor these values and employ them. If you need to make a change in your life to include more diligence, then focus on developing more of that trait in your life. Activate in bite size pieces.

“Envy is secret admiration,” Marino quotes Kierkegaard. It can be a sweet feeling to admire someone if we allow an expansive response rather than turn against the other with jealous contempt. He calls us to “identify our vision of excellence and where need be, perhaps reshape it”. Rather than disparage the person who models something you value; look inward to realize that you simply envy them for what they are doing and tolerate the admiration.

We do not have to feel small in proximity to perceived bigness; we can accept ourselves as we are, without comparison or grasping for something other than what we are. Can we discover who we are through the simple ways we enjoy our life, contribute to our loved ones, take interest in small pleasures and allow our expectations to fit our unique size and destiny? Gratitude for who we are and who others are is the antidote to the blistering bite of the green-eyed monster.