The Positive of Negative Feedback

I read with great interest the Here to Help section of the New York Times (March 26, 2018) entitled Why It’s So Hard to Hear Negative Feedback and was struck by its relevance. The writer references an episode of a TED podcast “WorkLife With Adam Grant” that discusses our aversion to getting and giving negative feedback.

Many of us have shaky egos and do not tolerate feedback unless it is positive: adoring, accentuating our specialness, statements affirming, “you are doing well” — comments sought out to bolster our sagging egos. The problem with those of us with shaky egos is that we thrive on accolades and resist feedback that is less than favorable or viewed as “negative”. This outlook reflects a fearful and self-limiting perspective and results in lost opportunities for growth, change and self-development. This style creates chronic dissonance in personal and professional relationships.

When we are honest-feedback-avoidant we become highly self-protective and defensive. We sense if someone is displeased and will curtail communication. We institute maneuvers to avoid feedback and are ready with our defenses up if we get a whiff that someone wants to give us input. We feel inadequate inside, may be filled with self-consciousness or embarrassed to stand out, and usually have compromised self-esteem, inadequacy issues and possibly self-loathing.  We may feel uncomfortable with our physical traits, anxious to please and hope we can fly under the radar. If we are called-out, we hardly resist.

We become defensive whenever we are given honest, less-than-favorable feedback and thwart it with aggressive tactics like attacking first, heading off the input by diverting, distracting, avoiding or abruptly walling off and stopping the conversation. This style is extremely problematic in relationship as communication is aborted and resentments pile-up as there is little open space for authentic and honest dialogue and feedback. Honest communication creates improved relationships and an environment that supports a culture of openness, equality and intimacy, as all members within the relationship feel heard and understood.

When we are whole inside, in other words, feel basically good about ourselves — accepting of our strengths and weaknesses — we can invite negative feedback because we can integrate it without feeling badly about ourselves, criticized or devastated. Rather, the feedback is invited because we know we can learn about ourselves and improve. We may already know some of our weaknesses but have not tried hard enough to improve on those aspects. We are able to listen, absorb the input and think deeply about it.

This piece mentions that giving feedback can be just as difficult for some. The important aspect of giving feedback is to give it with an honest openness that is not demeaning, devaluing or laced with any arrogance, smugness, annoyance, irritability or anger but rather the delivery should be as neutral as possible, straightforward in style. The intention is to support and help improve either the relationship or the other’s functioning at the workplace, for example. In the latter case, be a mentor that clearly states weaknesses while respectfully supporting the whole individual.

If receiving feedback is difficult for you –as the article mentions “don’t sulk or shut down.” Rather work on inviting feedback. That will slowly change your automatic visceral responses in your nervous system — from tensing up, fight or flight or freeze reactions — to invoking a parasympathetic relaxation response.

Create a felt-sense of equanimity, as you reinforce the idea that your intention is to be the best that you can be in life and feedback from others is a fortuitous chance to improve yourself. Listen carefully for the crux of the matter; what is being said that can help your performance, or make you a better person. If the feedback comes from your mate or your kids, or a good friend, absorb it with sensitivity. Hear him, repeat the feedback so he or she feels heard, drop your defensiveness, don’t argue your points and refute — simply take in. Cultivate empathy for the other. Feel into the communication and you will find a greater capacity to create harmonious relationships across all areas of your life.

Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/26/smarter-living/why-its-so-hard-to-hear-negative-feedback.html