The Positive of Negative Feedback

I read with great interest the Here to Help section of the New York Times (March 26, 2018) entitled Why It’s So Hard to Hear Negative Feedback and was struck by its relevance. The writer references an episode of a TED podcast “WorkLife With Adam Grant” that discusses our aversion to getting and giving negative feedback.

Many of us have shaky egos and do not tolerate feedback unless it is positive: adoring, accentuating our specialness, statements affirming, “you are doing well” — comments sought out to bolster our sagging egos. The problem with those of us with shaky egos is that we thrive on accolades and resist feedback that is less than favorable or viewed as “negative”. This outlook reflects a fearful and self-limiting perspective and results in lost opportunities for growth, change and self-development. This style creates chronic dissonance in personal and professional relationships.

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Love: A Co-Created Narrative

“Love is a story we tell with another person. It’s cocreation through conarration.”

I am referencing an article in the This Life section of the Sunday New York Times that highlights the significance of a rather natural routine of couple’s joint storytelling, (for example, the “how they met story”). Storytelling is integral to the deeper process of establishing a bond with another person. It is both challenging and rewarding to create an intermingled identity with another. Couples may engage in joint narratives without realizing that it is a stabilizing vehicle as they try to embrace each other’s differences. Creating a shared story of the couple’s life and how it has unfolded actually strengthens the relationship. Often, new couples share the story of how and when they decided to partner up or marry with family and friends. The stories can include mystery, humor and laughter, synchronicity, hardship, and elements of destiny. As the couple’s life evolves over time, their story becomes more elaborate and the feelings deepen through their varied shared experiences and inevitable challenges. Possibly children are added, the spice of extended family, and all matter of ingredients are poured into the pot. The co-creation of the story establishes the identity of the couple and reinforces their shared life. Mr. Feiler, the author, notes that as couples construct a joint reality, it balances the “contradictory impulses of independence and interdependence or selfishness and selflessness”. Those conflicting needs battle within all of us as we try to establish an intimate bond.

Inevitable hardships and “unforgiveable” events become integral parts of the story; a break-up that threatened to destroy the relationship, difficulties with blending families, a betrayal – there can be many obstacles along the path of solidifying a relationship over time. After an initial attraction, there is a long road ahead and you either hang-in for the reward of a stable, committed bond with another or move on and start the search all over again.

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Becoming Whole in Relationship

My last post was on achieving wholeness and the challenging inner conflicts we endure within ourselves if we haven’t achieved this developmental passage, academically referenced as whole object relations. It is as if our psyches are split in two and one side voices our deeply ingrained self-doubt, self-criticalness and self-hatred (referenced as splitting). The other side may compensate with regressive clinging, grandiosity or submersion into the other. The split psychic structure results in pathological defensive character patterns that manifest in chronic physical symptoms, difficulty in relationships and other psychological symptoms. We are unable to balance our disappointments with self through a natural ease of self-acceptance that reinforces our inner wholeness over and over again.

What is the effect of our lack of wholeness on our relationships? Relationships present challenges in the best of circumstances and are always perpetual learning edges. Bringing two individuals into constant proximity – with every aspect of their lives interconnected – presents the quintessential opportunity for both a gloriously connected relationship that, at the same time, can be fraught with painful miscommunications and disappointments that pitch one or the other right out of heavenly bliss.

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Gratitude – Strong Medicine

It may sound cliché at this time of year to encourage thankfulness and gratitude – yet those attitudes are strong inner healing medicine for our minds and bodies. That medicine warms us from the inside out and gives us a sense of wellbeing. When we act with generosity towards others, we cultivate our natural expansiveness – we can relax rather than constrict. We escape the grip of our small, tightly woven, survival-oriented egos that assert their will over our more gracious and generous values. In those moments, when we live inside our smaller self – constricted, hyper-vigilant to what we are getting – we actually feel less worthy. When we experience our feelings of sufficiency, we know we are enough and can give to others as well as experience gratitude for all we receive. We can feel connected to others and to the beauty surrounding us – we can feel more alive. We see the preciousness of others and move beyond our own petty selfishness – hah liberation!

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Couple Therapy Part 2: Fusion or Differentiation

In my work with couples for over thirty years, the balance ratio of fusion and differentiation is an important indicator of couple health. Let’s clarify these concepts beginning with fusion. The classic photo of two Americans traveling in similar Hawaiian shirts in Europe engenders the flavor — two matching bookends. Of course, individuals in a couple create resonance together that influences life style choices, plans, activities, outlooks on life and everyday habits. That resonance, as displayed in a variety of ways, helps the couple align and function with ease. The relationship can hum with the rhythm of basic routines, worked-out choices and habits that allow each individual a level of comfort in the similarity and consistency of their acquired lifestyle and tastes.

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Couple Challenges

Couple life can present many difficult challenges – while simultaneously providing the most stabilizing, anchoring force in one’s life. Living day-to-day with another can feel like receiving multiple abrasions. We often feel our partner has stepped on our toes as he walked by, and we instinctively retaliate and step decisively on his. We often feel rubbed the wrong way. Contending with major and minor incidents is one challenge facing most couples on a regular basis. If couples learn healthy ways to navigate ruptures, they can preserve and strengthen the fabric of their relationship. Learning couple skills takes trial and error and discipline.

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Attachment Dyad Grows the Brain

My favorite section of the NY Times is Science Times published every Tuesday. I learn a great deal from their small segments that highlight the latest research in medicine and science. I will discuss a recent segment entitled Mothers’ Sounds Help Babies Brain Grow, found in the printed newspaper’s Neurology section and online under Parenting (February 23, 2015) I will also discuss the research and conclusions of Allan Schore, M.D., leading researcher in the field of neuropsychology influencing the fields of affective neuroscience, neuropsychiatry, trauma theory and developmental psychology.

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